Wednesday, January 30, 2008

EXTRA! Non-News that is Not Happening Bulletin!

I happened across this informative headline on Google's news page this afternoon:

Jennifer Lopez Not In Hospital & Not Giving Birth Today

...and was wondering why something that ISN'T happening made it into the news of the day. What other major news stories that aren't actually happening are we being denied? How many mindless word clusters of meaningless, time-wasting media blather must be generated per day to meet the quota of vapid, useless Internet content needed to generate Google ad revenue? How much was this reporter paid to turn in a story about something not happening?

Other possible stories that could be reported, using this same logic:

Mole people not digging sinkhole under Pentagon building

Tennis legend Jimmy Connors not living on surface of Jupiter

Scientist not splicing genes of owls and sharks together to create terrifying army of flying, keen-eyed, certain-death machines

George Clooney and Brad Pitt not married under Massachusetts law

James Brown not risen from the dead, not feasting on his family's brains

Tom Hanks not cloned from Joseph Goebbels' DNA

Body parts not found along I-90 are not those of Bob Newhart

Barack Obama not switching to Sanka

Pepperidge Farm not introducing actual goldfish-flavored Goldfish® crackers

Oprah Winfrey not ballooning up to 400 lbs.

Bond 22 not to be titled "Dudefinger"

Tennis legend Jimmy Connors also not living in fabled "Castle Duckula"