EXTRA! Non-News that is Not Happening Bulletin!

I happened across this informative headline on Google's news page this afternoon:

Jennifer Lopez Not In Hospital & Not Giving Birth Today

...and was wondering why something that ISN'T happening made it into the news of the day. What other major news stories that aren't actually happening are we being denied? How many mindless word clusters of meaningless, time-wasting media blather must be generated per day to meet the quota of vapid, useless Internet content needed to generate Google ad revenue? How much was this reporter paid to turn in a story about something not happening?

Other possible stories that could be reported, using this same logic:

Mole people not digging sinkhole under Pentagon building

Tennis legend Jimmy Connors not living on surface of Jupiter

Scientist not splicing genes of owls and sharks together to create terrifying army of flying, keen-eyed, certain-death machines

George Clooney and Brad Pitt not married under Massachusetts law

James Brown not risen from the dead, not feasting on his family's brains

Tom Hanks not cloned from Joseph Goebbels' DNA

Body parts not found along I-90 are not those of Bob Newhart

Barack Obama not switching to Sanka

Pepperidge Farm not introducing actual goldfish-flavored Goldfish® crackers

Oprah Winfrey not ballooning up to 400 lbs.

Bond 22 not to be titled "Dudefinger"

Tennis legend Jimmy Connors also not living in fabled "Castle Duckula"

But Tell Us How You Really Feel, Superman...

SOMEONE had to say it.

Visit this site

Muppets, Inc. Commercials & Rarities

I recently had the pleasure of attending a presentation on Jim Henson's early work at The Cleveland Museum of Art, hosted by Miss Piggy's creator, Bonnie Erickson, and couldn't have been more mesmerized by the clips I saw. It struck me as if Jim Henson somehow branded a kind of universally understandable do-it-yourself creativity under the title MUPPETS, INC.

I've put together a list of links to the rare Henson commercials, presentations and short films that can be found on Youtube, and I highly recommend each and every one. The Wilkins Coffee ads in particular pack the maximum possible entertainment into eight seconds of airtime.

Corporate Presentations:
Wilsons Meats Meeting Film 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w282YjrFIGE
Wilsons Meats Meeting Film 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAOQM8o5kJ4

La Choy Presentation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQNg8vEStwQ

Commercials:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ky7g1lgTwc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZfJDC3tANA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM8eSYyp8mY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtId1k-sYfo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob7ge1nc_-U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vhbz4Rtup3I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIWc0-WGBUI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVDkkmxu_Bk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4hZfrtzyCg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSC3ZjuuqlE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaUeRcYNfaw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyqAj6CbDgk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dWeMJMh1wI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2L6dUR9rFg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhUItjAmRSU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5kliaz1ePY

1st Muppet Toy Commercial:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHGPxfpyFzA

Experimental Short Films:
Time Piece:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrAVgYTTMbQ

Ripples:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtxkgrKWkd4

You can find out more about these early Muppet videos on the Muppet Wiki

All About the Benjamin Shirts!

After attending the MAGIC fashion tradeshows for the last few years and getting an insider's view of graphic streetwear t-shirt trends, we were amazed at just how many shirts feature images of Benjamin Franklin – one of the founding fathers and architects of the Age of Enlightenment – presented as a tru gangsta, most often alongside a gun-toting Al Pacino SCARFACE tee.

This imagery is entirely due to Ben's presence on the $100 bill (a true symbol of worldly success, a princely sum which will more than pay for dinner for two at The Cheesecake Factory - with drinks), and one wonders what Dr. Franklin would make of this particular type of celebration of his image. Perhaps he would ask the graphic artists behind these images to join his Junto in order to open a dialogue about the issues confronting their community...?

As a send-up of this unoriginal, redundant barrage of tasteless streetwear, Shelf Life Clothing Co. has created the ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMIN tee, depicting a forlorn Ben making the humble plea "I REALIZE THAT THE FACT THAT I'M ON THE $100 BILL IS PRETTY EXCITING, BUT ALL OF MY HOMIES NEED TO CHILL A LITTLE AND RESPECT MY LEGACY."

Click here to check out the shirt at ShelfLifeClothing.com


Nerd chic at its finest, right?

If you'd like to know more about Benjamin Franklin, go to a public library (the very idea of a public library is one of Benjamin Franklin's contributions to mankind) or check out his dope fly Wikipedia page.

Canadian Safety or Grand Guignol?

My friend Bob brought these grisly, violent Canadian public service announcements to my attention, and we're wondering if Wes Craven directed them between takes while working on Last House on the Left.

Most of them were created by the Canadian Workplace Safety & Insurance Board:
WSIB

Is the national psyche of Canada so dark that these are considered helpful warnings? Should we really believe that an incident where young woman gets scalded beyond recognition in the workplace isn't an "accident," because someone didn't identify and mop up a spot of grease right away? Looks like the campaign is less about workplace safety and more concerned with laying blame on the injured, saving the WSIB those pesky workplace injury insurance claim payouts...?

Check out the comically gruesome videos below if you have a strong stomach:











Language warning for this one:

Great Moments in Shirtlessness

My friend Tony sent me this video with the subject header "Don't ask me how I came upon this," which is simply not going to happen.

Glenn Danzig shows off "just part" of his book collection, and discusses some of his favorites, all while not wearing his favorite shirt. I'm sure the string of leather he wears around his neck in this video is still there today!

Enjoy! Your previously unblown mind is about to be blown!

Ghostface Killah Takes Umbrage with His Fans

You obviously don't love the kid.
Ghostface says it all, and in language not suitable for the workplace.

Curb Your Goth

Sometimes making a statement gets a little too self indulgent, and that is when we find a couple like this, whose amazing, stereotyped goth look compliments their wonderfully immature lifestyle choice. She's 19, and is a self-described "human pet." He's 25, and getting too old for this type of nonsense. They made news this week after a bus driver refused to allow them on a public bus.

According to this report, they "live on benefits in a council house," which I certainly hope doesn't mean that the British taxpayer is funding their shenanigans.

"I am a pet, I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life."

Eyes of the World Down Under

We're excited about the subject of our first SO FIVE MINUTES AGO blog, we couldn't pick a more suitable individual to capture the spirit and humor we're trying to put across.

COREY DELANEY/WORTHINGTON

For those who missed this amazing, confident young man when he made world news last week, he's a 16-year old from Melbourne, Australia who threw a party while his parents were out of town that drew about 500 guests and caused a riot. The local police are billing him $20,000 for damages to police cruisers and the use of a helicopter to control the rampaging partygoers.

The real story is the unrepentant, confident attitude this special young man displayed in the wake of this event. His stunning look, based around a sense of self that 16-year olds seldom seem to evidence, suggests that far too much of his day is spent looking at himself naked in the mirror.

Highlights include his ridiculous, comical sunglasses; feminine, out-of-season parka; and a distinct lack of clothing, particularly while jogging.

READ ABOUT COREY ... and watch the video

SlapCorey.com